Untitled #3

I should have seen it coming. When it hits the fan all hell just breaks loose. Life is just full of little oxymoron, you know it’s gonna harm you but somehow, you just want to get closer to it, you thought that maybe… Just maybe, you could catch a glimpse on something you wanted to see, or something you don’t. If you saw something you wanted, you might be happy for the rest of your life, if you don’t, then you got screwed by your own head into thinking that the false reality you created in your head will come true… It’s that SIMPLE.

I felt I am being consumed by this darkness for awhile now, everything I see have this layer of grey to it, as such, even now during the Christmas month, I just couldn’t be in the mood, no matter how beautiful this month is, with Christmas carol playing every where on the streets in the malls, well not that I hate Christmas, it’s still my favourite time of the year, but I just couldn’t feel it. Is it that simple? or I just felt numb… Numb by the degree of pain and suffering I felt, numb by the amount of hurt inflicted upon me, I wonder. It was the right thing to do I guess during my friend’s coming of age party that night, to drink and be merry. Of course where there’s a party, there’s alcohol. Thinking that the degree of numbness might prevent me from getting drunk, I did cups after cups of whiskey. And of course, in the end, I got drunk. How foolish I am.

This time, things are a little bit different, I started to think of how shitty the past few months are for me and for the first time, I felt something, I felt the heat when the alcohol went down my throat, I felt the amount of smoke around the room, I felt every single thing and boy do I miss it. Then instead of drink and be merry, it became drown all your motherfucking sorrows in alcohol. Needless to say, when your drinking with a broken heart, sadness ensues, and then the tears. Yes, I cried. I cried like I never cried before in my whole life. There’s no shame in crying, even for a grown ass man. You just have to let it all out one way or another, for me it’s either punching everyone in the face or crying my ass off. I chose the latter. Afterwards was all a blur for me. I remembered I was carried into the private washroom and was interrogated by every single one of them. I don’t remember anything after that. But one thing was for sure, I sure as hell said a lot of things that was not suppose to be said. And neither of them was a lie. As much as I wanted to clarify it now, I chose not to, because I knew that some things are better keep it to yourself than disclosed it to anyone. I done the exact opposite of that. If I hurt anyone’s feeling that night, I’m sorry, I apologize. But I have no regrets.

 

Now you would think that why the hell would I wrote this out in my blog so that everyone (or the lack of) could read it and think of how much of a fool I am that night. Well, I just couldn’t care much, I felt like writing right now.

 

PS: This was suppose to be just one of the drafts that weren’t meant to be posted up. But what the hell right, my blog is just too dead right now. =P